Living With Uncertainty

Not surprisingly, I’ve been struggling beneath intense fear recently. Hearing the word cancer from the doctor causes the sturdiest heart to quake, but my fear didn’t start or stop there. Like pulling on a loose thread in a hand knit sweater, my fears have multiplied into a growing mountain - fear of hardship for loved ones, fear of implications for the counselling ministry, fear of painful treatment, fear of disease advancement (I had my CT Scan recently for staging and I’m waiting for results), fear of financial ramifications, and fear of facing my mortality, to name just a few that form my current mountain.

Fear has always been one of my chief struggles. I worry about anything and everything - being late for a morning appointment because my alarm clock malfunctions, financial ruin, how my words or actions are being received by another person... Some of my fears are prophecies of hopelessness about the future; they begin with the words “what if” and are followed by imagined scenarios of lack and loss. These are my “the sky is falling” fears, and they’ve been teeming lately.

But some fear is justified: We all live in a world where we have little control over what happens. The choices we make, right or wrong, have ramifications that we can’t always foresee or mitigate. The people around us make similar choices, and their decisions affect us, sometimes in profound ways. And if those aren’t sufficient justification for fear, scripture repeatedly tells us that there is an enemy who “is intent on tempting, corrupting, and destroying humanity, precisely because God is bent on redeeming, sanctifying, and restoring it. His work is wicked, his methods are malicious, his efforts are evil, and his plans are appalling,” to quote Ken’s sermon from last Sunday. Fear is a noisy and persistent companion in this life, but it needn’t be something that defines any part of our journey.

The Lord said it to Joshua when he faced an enemy alliance. The angel said it to teenage Mary before a call to costly obedience. Jesus said it to his disciples as he strolled across the lake. “Do not be afraid” is a repeated some 300 times throughout the Bible. It’s comforting to know that scripture anticipates our fear. Psalm 56:3a says, “When I am afraid” anticipating that before some enemies, fear is a realistic and appropriate emotional response, and it’s comforting to know that God doesn’t want to leave any of us paralyzed by it. Fear is a real part of the journey that has been set before me. So what can I do as I worry about the monsters under my bed?

Often people suffering with fear are admonished with the words, “do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.” (Philippians 4:6, ESV) “Stop worrying and start praying” is biblical advice, but it feels like a burden when you’re already weighed down with worry. Picture a child who has a nightmare. What do they do upon waking - they call out for mom or dad because their loving presence is comforting. My fears thrive when I believe that I’m alone, so God is constantly reassuring me and all those suffering beneath the weight of fears that he is with us. He says it to Jacob on his way back to the once livid Esau. He says it to Moses when he sends him back to Egypt. He says it to all of Israel through Isaiah. And he says it fully in Jesus whose very name “Emmanuel” means that God is with us. Have you ever noticed the words that proceed that oft given advice for worriers? Notice how our Heavenly Father arrives on the scene and listens to our cares… The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.  And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:5b-7 ESV). Daddy’s here. It’s okay, tell me all about it.

Today, the day before I get the results of my CT scan and a week after inconclusive thyroid biopsy results, I face a choice: will I succumb to the fears that beckon me to believe that I’m alone and all is hopeless, or will I fix my eyes on Jesus, speaking honestly to him about my difficulty and listen to his promises, trusting in his presence and provision? Fear is an opportunity to know God’s presence and care, and the pathway honestly and directly through it is the one that leads peace, even in the fiercest storm.

Firmly in his grip,
Christina