Weakness: Liability or Asset?

Coming back from a wonderful vacation was particularly difficult this time. No one ever likes for a good trip to end, but this return home was coupled with a first appointment with my chemo oncologist. What lies ahead is not going to be easy and it’s almost certainly going to put my weakness on display, no matter how much I might try to hide it. So, here is the plan: I start my first cycle of chemo (1 day every three weeks for eight hours) on July 21. I’ll have four cycles and then a little break before radiation. I’ll receive radiation 5 days a week for 5 weeks and then 2 more cycles of chemo. I don’t know how my body will respond to all of this, but I do know I’m in for a cool summer hair-do. In the midst of this, I will work to set up Living Waters – the new biblical counselling ministry of Faith Reformed Church. I can hear some of you saying “yikes” as you read that.

I know that plenty of people regularly do difficult things - things that are far more difficult than my current path. Maybe I’m just a whiny weakling (a serious possibility). Perhaps they have more courage than me or more strength. Perhaps they’ve faced preparatory difficulties in the past that as Paul puts it in Romans 4 produced endurance, character, and hope. I’m not feeling up to this though; in fact, I’m feeling downright weak and ill-prepared for the fight ahead. But is weakness a bad thing?

In order to understand the weakness that’s in me (and in you), let’s trace some of the contours of weakness through Scripture.

• From the beginning humans were created to be limited and dependent on God’s ongoing care. We were also made to live and work with other people. These kinds of “weaknesses” are a part of God’s good design for his creatures! (Ge 1 and 2)

• Weakness expands and distorts to include fallenness. In the quest of our first parents for independence from God’s rules and provision, Adam and Eve chose to disobey and their first response to their disobedience was to hide. Guilt and shame infiltrated our relationship with God and with one another. The consequence included work that would be unfruitful, pain, and ultimately death, but God had a plan to deal with sin’s curse. (Ge 3)

• Jacob wrestled with God and was blessed with a lifelong weakness. In the limp, God’s gift to him was the constant reminder that he was fully and completely dependent on grace. God allowed Jacob to win and as a result he receives God’s blessing and the name Israel. The Lord made himself weak in order to deliver the promise of grace. God’s plan of redemption would pass through Jacob in an even greater display of taking on weakness. (Ge 32)

• Gideon knew his weakness, and among them was incredible fear. Least in the tribe of Manasseh and youngest in his father’s house, how he could possibly help his people? All he saw were his liabilities, but the Lord promised to be with him. In fulfilling the promise of his presence, Gideon’s army of 300 routed the vast Midianite army with trumpets, torches, and a shout. The glory for that victory clearly belongs to the Lord, who was at work through weakness to accomplish his mighty acts. (Jg 6-8)

• The psalmists speak repeatedly of their weakness. We see each of them make a choice that has become contrary to our natural response – they ask for help! Like our first parents, we’d prefer to hide our weaknesses, failures, and need, but the psalm writers do something that only happens by God’s grace – they cry out to him in all their needs. Listen to the snippets of just a few of their prayers:

In my distress I called upon the Lord; to my God I cried for help. From his temple he heard my voice, and my cry to him reached his ears. Psalm 18:6

To you, O Lord, I cry, and to the Lord I plead for mercy… Psalm 30:8

Out of the depths I cry to you, O Lord! Psalm 130:1

Whether the need is from outside trouble, inner turmoil, or consequences of psalm writer’s own sinfulness, we see that they speak openly and honestly to the God who knows us, hears us, and acts on our behalf.

• Weakness reached its pinnacle in a tiny baby - the God of all creation – who took on the form of a human. Imagine God, helpless and needy, dependent on others even as we are. He took on weakness for you and I, to undo the curse that our claim to independence brought in the fall. He displayed weakness and neediness when he was tempted in the desert, and as he agonized in the garden. He preached that the poor, the meek, and those who mourn were the ones, the weak ones, that were blessed. To those who were self-confident and self-righteous he taught that only the sick need a doctor and only sinners know of their need for a saviour. He said that faith comes from becoming like a child. His teaching pointed out that he was here for all those who are weak and needy. Jesus is intimately familiar with our weaknesses and need for he has walked among us, struggling beneath sin’s temptation and weight, and incredible suffering. (He 4:15-16)

• A few years later, the God of grace and glory embraced weakness fully in his suffering and death. In his hour of need, Jesus experienced something you and I never will - the Father turned his face away. Jesus faced his weakness and need utterly alone. But weakness and death could not hold him. For our sake the holy God became sin, even though he had not sinned himself, in order that you and I might be raised with him to new life. He dealt with our weakness, including the death-dealing weakness of our sin, by his death and resurrection. (2 Co 13:4) And because of his work, weakness takes on an entirely new power.

• Paul’s pride (and independence?) was limited by a weakness that, though he had repeatedly asked God to remove, remained by his grace. The path way to power leads straight through weakness and Paul was well-rehearsed in things that put his weakness on display – imprisonment, weakness, beatings, sleeplessness, hunger, thirst, and anxiety to name a few. Christ’s power rests on the weak, so we’re free to boast in our weakness rather than hide it. (2 Co 12:7-10, 11:16-30).

Ken has just started his summer sermon series on the Armour of God from Ephesians 6 – and the reading began with “Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might.” (v. 10). My palms can sweat and my knees can knock. My stomach can knot and my emotions can run high (higher even than normal!) I can struggle with exhaustion from sleeplessness nights and the weight of “what ifs”, but strength for the battle doesn’t come from me - it comes from being united to the death-defeating, all-powerful, sovereign Lord of all! Friends, if you are also looking for strength in all of your weakness, it doesn’t come from your mental focus, emotional control, or physical effort - it comes by being and remaining connected to Jesus. In him weakness is actually a strength because it compels me to turn to him in trust. In him, I’m free to own my weakness and dependence rather than hide it, and to watch and wait for him to accomplish mighty things through my weakness.

I suppose it is no surprise that dependence is something that I’m learning these days, and it’s painful and difficult to be brought to the end of myself. I’m learning to ask for help – from the Lord and from people. How merciful and patient is the Lord to those who are dependent on him for every breath! So, on this journey, there will be no picking myself up by my bootstraps and no inner mantra to generate strength. I intend to run to him in facing this battle, because held in his abundant love, my weakness is being redeemed and transformed.

Firmly in his grip,
Christina

Good News

Ken and I met with Dr. Schneider, my radiation oncologist, on Friday at Windsor’s Cancer Centre. I’m thankful that he’s a pleasant man who took the time to answer all of our questions. I tried to be patient, but I’m not sure I heard anything he said before I finally asked if he had received the results of my CT scan. I’d been preparing myself for bad news, but he reported that the scan was CLEAR! They found no evidence of cancer below my neck (the scan didn’t include my head and neck). It appears my uterine cancer was stage one.

While the news is a great relief, we still have a journey ahead of us. Because of the aggressive nature of both types of cancer, I’ll be receiving chemo and radiation. Dr. Schneider explained that little pockets of cancer cells may not be visible on the CT scan, so treatment will prevent any growth in what may be hiding. I don’t know when I start treatment, but we’re off for some camping before we meet with my new chemo oncologist. Thank you all for praying for and with us – not just for my physical health but also for our hearts. God has been gracious to us – but that would have been no less true if the news had been bad. No matter where this part of the journey takes us “I will bless the LORD at all times; his praise shall continually be in my mouth.” (Psalm 34:1 ESV)

Firmly in his grip,
Christina

Living With Uncertainty

Not surprisingly, I’ve been struggling beneath intense fear recently. Hearing the word cancer from the doctor causes the sturdiest heart to quake, but my fear didn’t start or stop there. Like pulling on a loose thread in a hand knit sweater, my fears have multiplied into a growing mountain - fear of hardship for loved ones, fear of implications for the counselling ministry, fear of painful treatment, fear of disease advancement (I had my CT Scan recently for staging and I’m waiting for results), fear of financial ramifications, and fear of facing my mortality, to name just a few that form my current mountain.

Fear has always been one of my chief struggles. I worry about anything and everything - being late for a morning appointment because my alarm clock malfunctions, financial ruin, how my words or actions are being received by another person... Some of my fears are prophecies of hopelessness about the future; they begin with the words “what if” and are followed by imagined scenarios of lack and loss. These are my “the sky is falling” fears, and they’ve been teeming lately.

But some fear is justified: We all live in a world where we have little control over what happens. The choices we make, right or wrong, have ramifications that we can’t always foresee or mitigate. The people around us make similar choices, and their decisions affect us, sometimes in profound ways. And if those aren’t sufficient justification for fear, scripture repeatedly tells us that there is an enemy who “is intent on tempting, corrupting, and destroying humanity, precisely because God is bent on redeeming, sanctifying, and restoring it. His work is wicked, his methods are malicious, his efforts are evil, and his plans are appalling,” to quote Ken’s sermon from last Sunday. Fear is a noisy and persistent companion in this life, but it needn’t be something that defines any part of our journey.

The Lord said it to Joshua when he faced an enemy alliance. The angel said it to teenage Mary before a call to costly obedience. Jesus said it to his disciples as he strolled across the lake. “Do not be afraid” is a repeated some 300 times throughout the Bible. It’s comforting to know that scripture anticipates our fear. Psalm 56:3a says, “When I am afraid” anticipating that before some enemies, fear is a realistic and appropriate emotional response, and it’s comforting to know that God doesn’t want to leave any of us paralyzed by it. Fear is a real part of the journey that has been set before me. So what can I do as I worry about the monsters under my bed?

Often people suffering with fear are admonished with the words, “do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.” (Philippians 4:6, ESV) “Stop worrying and start praying” is biblical advice, but it feels like a burden when you’re already weighed down with worry. Picture a child who has a nightmare. What do they do upon waking - they call out for mom or dad because their loving presence is comforting. My fears thrive when I believe that I’m alone, so God is constantly reassuring me and all those suffering beneath the weight of fears that he is with us. He says it to Jacob on his way back to the once livid Esau. He says it to Moses when he sends him back to Egypt. He says it to all of Israel through Isaiah. And he says it fully in Jesus whose very name “Emmanuel” means that God is with us. Have you ever noticed the words that proceed that oft given advice for worriers? Notice how our Heavenly Father arrives on the scene and listens to our cares… The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.  And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:5b-7 ESV). Daddy’s here. It’s okay, tell me all about it.

Today, the day before I get the results of my CT scan and a week after inconclusive thyroid biopsy results, I face a choice: will I succumb to the fears that beckon me to believe that I’m alone and all is hopeless, or will I fix my eyes on Jesus, speaking honestly to him about my difficulty and listen to his promises, trusting in his presence and provision? Fear is an opportunity to know God’s presence and care, and the pathway honestly and directly through it is the one that leads peace, even in the fiercest storm.

Firmly in his grip,
Christina

Gift?

"Shall we receive good from God, and shall we not receive evil?” (Job 2:10b, ESV) Job asked an important question of his wife when he faced horrific suffering and it's a question that I've been reflecting on a lot in recent days. Throughout my 37 years I've been the recipient of abundant blessings from the hand of God and I'm grateful for every one of them. Among them are you - my family and friends, who have and continue to bless me in a million ways. You truly are among the good that I've received from God! It's easy to attribute gifts to the hand of God, but what about the "evil" that Job is speaking about?

Two weeks ago, I got personal news of "evil". After my recent hysterectomy the pathology came back reporting two types of aggressive cancer in my uterus. Technically speaking, they found mixed high grade endometrioid and clear cell carcinomas. How does a person deal with a surreal diagnosis? I've cycled between denial and despair, but Paul sums up an important reality and how I felt hearing the word "cancer" as he speaks about his own suffering in Asia Minor. "Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead." (2 Corinthians 1:9 ESV) In so many ways, the doctor's words have felt like just that - a death sentence. But Paul adds something to my understanding of my suffering - this diagnosis, this "evil" that Job speaks about as being from God's hand, is going to help me learn not to rely on myself. Is it possible that this "evil" might also be a gift? Just over two weeks in on this journey, I can see that truth already at work. I've been messy (and I still am regularly) but when my eyes are on Jesus, I know peace and even joy.

The good news is that Jesus has been here - in no way is this unchartered territory. He knows because he walked this path. He received not only a death sentence but execution at the hands of his creatures. He faced evil head-on and in doing so undid all of its power. And he did it for me and you. But death didn't get the final word with him, and it needn't for us either. We simply need to rely fully on him. A death sentence, whether that of sin or even a cancer diagnosis, is nothing for the One who raises the dead. In the words of Paul, "He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will deliver us again." (2 Corinthians 1:10, ESV)

I plan to write updates here as I get information and journey through both chemotherapy and radiation, but you're not just going to find treatment updates because I don't intend to waste my cancer. I plan to talk a lot about what God has and is doing in me. I'd be grateful for any prayers that you'd offer on my behalf - for my healing and my heart, that through this "evil," I'd know and rely on the Lord in increasing measure. Firmly in his grip, Christina